I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance