I know a bad idea when I see one.
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
sugar glider wrangler
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working