It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*