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How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.