Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
What a chick magnet..
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.