My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
You Might Also Like
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.