Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.