My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
From my Mom
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.