I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
same energy
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!