best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
You Might Also Like
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?