I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
moms in horror movies
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens