virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper