I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
You Might Also Like
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE