I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
just left a huge legacy in there
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?