Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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motivation
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”