imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
You got this…
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”