If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You Might Also Like
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
yes… yes…
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son