Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
for all #parents out there
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*