Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
pictures of spider-man
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
can’t believe I got front row seats
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”