Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The Punning Dead.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit