*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I saw this ending much differently.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?