“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
couldn’t resist
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
You sure about that?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman