My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.