I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994