just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Rambo Rambow
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Schrödinger’s Dumpster