What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
The three genders.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™