i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall