I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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my fav colour is also hitler
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
all bases covered
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood