Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.