[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I have questions??
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Day 2 of my diet
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
did it work
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget