Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
An odd boast
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.