I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life