me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
this has to be peak English
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
i hope my email finds you on fire
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.