Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol