Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’