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meanwhile over on facebook
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“The Perfect Relationship”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Some people were born into their job.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.