Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters