“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.