a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Fight
I found your tweet-up…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
It’s an epidemic…
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation