I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
We found love in a hopeless place.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.