Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.