[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I accidentally used my mom鈥檚 fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
technically true but not a great slogan
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I鈥檝e just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven鈥檛 found one seal.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let鈥檚 do this again
ME: thank god I鈥檓 starving
We brought home a betta fish, and I鈥檝e officially spent more time deciding it鈥檚 name than I did naming the kids
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
馃摳: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
BEACH BOYS: 馃幎 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 馃
My dryer is celebrating lint.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I鈥檇 rather fork than spoon.