A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
You Might Also Like
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this