Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”