I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You Might Also Like
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.