Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.