I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.