I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”