Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
You Might Also Like
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
But I really needed water water water
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know