My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
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Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?